Preeto: When you were in army, did they give you a commission?
Santa: No, just a straight salary like everybody else.
Santa: The judge fined me for stealing again.
Banta: Why in the world do you keep stealing?
Santa: I have to steal to pay those.
Pappu asked 1 question and teacher got confused.
Question was: Black is colour, white is also a colour but black and white is not a colour TV. Why?
Santa & Banta sending SMS 2 their GFs.
Santa: May I send sms to my GF from ur cell, let`s see her reaction?
Banta: No, what if she recognizes d writing.
Boy: Do you love me just because my father left me money and fortune?
Girl: No stupid, I would love you no matter who left you the money!
Some IDIOTS say:
`Behind every successful man, there is a woman.` But nobody knows the fact that `Women go only behind successful men.`
Man (in a Mall): I hav lost my wife, will u plz talk 2 me for a sec.
Lady: Why?
Man: Bcoz whenever I talk 2 ladies, she appears 4m nowhere lyk a ghost.
Pappu: Mom, wen I was on d bus wid Dad, he told me 2 giv up my seat 2 a lady.
Jeeto: Well, u hav done d ryt thing.
Pappu: Bt, I was sitting on Dad`s lap.
Wife: What do u like in me? My beauty or my smartness?
Husband: I like yr this funny habit.
Teacher: Tell any Microsoft product name?
Bunty: MS excel.
Deepu: MS Word.
Raju: MS Powerpoint.
Pappu (After thinking a lot): MS Dhoni.
Banta: What is d difference between 5 Rs coin and 100 Rs note?
Santa: Stupid, the difference is only 95 Rs. Be expert like me.
3 Kinds of men in the World:
Some remain single & make wonders happen.
Some maintain girlfriends & see wonders happen.
Other get married & wonder what happened.
Teacher: Children, exams are approaching. If u have any doubt, kindly ask me.
Pappu: In which printing press is d question paper printed?
A young lady says that the only difference between like and love is, `if I like them I let them, If I love them, I help!`
Personal Ad:
Bachelor wid 40 acres of excellent land would lyk 2 make acquaintance 2 a lady wid tractor-matrimony in mind. Plz send pictures of tractor.
Some men have found out that it`s cheaper to marry the girl and keep her home than not to marry and take her out.
Why did Santa fall out of the window?
He was ironing the curtains.
A secretary came angrily out of boss` cabin. Colleague asked: Wat happened?
Secretary: He asked me, 'r u free tonight?'. I said yes & he give me 50 pages of typing.
Banta: Why do dogs don`t marry?
Santa: Bcoz they are already leading a dog`s life.
Officer: Did you know your wife fell out of the car 4 kms back?
Man: Thank goodness for that - I thought I had gone deaf.
May the lohri fire burns all the moments of sadness and brings you warmth of joy, happiness and love. Wishing u a very happy Lohri.
Teacher: Which is your favourite dish?
Pappu: Tata Sky.
When a woman says she is reducing, it is generally some man`s account.
I was having a nice honeymoon until my husband knocked at the door.
Banta: Dancing is in my blood.
Preeto: It means your blood circulation is poor, it has not reached your feet yet.
Santa: My son`s teacher regards him as a wonder child.
Banta: Why wonder child?
Santa: Bcoz the teacher wonders whether he will ever learn anything.
Santa: I gave a moving performance in singing.
Banta: What do you mean by moving performance?
Santa: Everyone moved out of theatre.
Sometimes opportunity knock at the door, other times the knock spoils the opportunity.
Weather Man: I have been transferred to Delhi.
Wife: I have noticed the weather here does not agree with you.
He: I would go through anything for you.
She: Ok, let`s start with your bank account.
Banta: How do you know when you are getting old?
Santa: When the candles cost more than the cake.
On a sign board in New Delhi:
Wear a helmet or you may have a hell mate.
Her telephone is a private number - every private has it.
Banta: Have you noticed that most heroes are married man?
Santa: Every married man is a hero.
Crazy fact of today`s generation.
Once upon a time, girls used to cook like their mothers.
But now they drink like their fathers.
He: What you prefer in a man - wealth, position, character or appearance?
She: Appearance and the sooner the better.
Each moment in a day has its own value. Morning brings Hope; Afternoon brings Faith; Evening brings Love and Night brings Rest. Hope you have all of them everyday.
Happy New Year!
May dis new year bring many opportunities ur way, 2 explore every joy of lyf & may ur resolutions 4 d days ahead stay firm, turning all ur dreams into reality & all ur efforts into great achievements.
A Life of Joy, A Joyful Spirit, A Spiritual Body, A Body full of Health, A Healthy Heart, A Heart full of Love, A Love with Soul, A Soulful Happiness & a Happy New Year! All these r my Prayers 4 u!
Receive my simple gift of love, Wrapped with sincerity; Tied with care & Sealed with blessings to keep u happy & safe in all of 2011.
Happy New Year!
On the onset of the new year sending you the warmest of wishes.
Happy New Year!
Before the sun sets in this year;
Before the memories fade;
And before the networks get jammed; Wish u and ur family a Happy New Year 2011!
May each day of the coming year be vibrant and bring along abundant reasons for celebrations.
Happy New Year!
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better person. Happy New Year!
Here is a wish that the coming year is a glorious one that rewards all your endeavors with success. Happy New Year!
God bless u & keep u safe, not only today bt throughout life that is coming ur way. May d year to follow be among d best u ever spent! Happy New Year!
If one night a big fat man enters through your chimney and grabs you and puts you in a sack, don`t worry. I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.
May the joy and peace of Christmas be with you all through the Year. Wishing you a season of blessings from heaven above!
May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. Wish you lots of love, joy and happiness. Merry Christmas!
Banta: I would like some crocodile shoes please.
Santa: Certainly, Sir! What size shoe does your crocodile wear?
May your world be filled with warmth and grail this Holy season! Wish your Christmas be filled with peace and love!
Good resolutions are like college girls. Easy to make, but hard to break.
By the time a man really does understand woman, his wife won`t let him out of the house at night.
Every man should have a wife - preferably his own!
Banta: How is your wife?
Santa: Good for nothing.
Her telephone is a private number - every private has it.
Banta: What will happen if women are recruited to the postman`s job?
Santa: There will be quicker deliveries.
Insurance policy is an old man`s passport to young women.
Banta: Would you consider going out with a man like me?
Preeto: Yes, so long as he is not too much like you.
Preeto: Were you excited the first time you asked your husband for money?
Jeeto: Oh, I was calm and collected.
Banta: Doctor: I am having trouble with my breathing.
Doctor: I will give you something that will soon stop that.
A sign in a cafe:
All drinking water in this cafe has been passed by the management.
Father: When I was a young man, girls knew how to blush.
Son: What did you say to them?
Preeto: I won`t marry you, and you know why?
Banta: No, I can`t think.
Preeto: That`s why.
Santa: The planes are so fast these days that there is no time to get acquainted with the air hostess.
Santa: I know an engaged couple who hav a prblm.
Banta: Wat is d prblm?
Santa: She wants 2 mary him wen he is not drunk & he won`t mary her wen he is sober.
Lady: When you are finished with me, will my husband think I am beautiful?
Beautician: May be, does he still drink a lot?
Wife: Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No, I really can`t. I distinctly remembered having taken my shirt off.
Banta: I have been trying to think of a word for two weeks.
Santa: It`s a fortnight.
All of our politicians play KBC in reverse manner. They make crores and crores first and then answer the questions later.
What`s d difference between people who pray in Temples and people who pray in d Exam Centres?
Those in d exam centres are damn serious.
Santa (to receptionist of hotel): Can you give me a room and a bath?
Receptionist: I can give you a room, but you will have to have a bath yourself.
Banta: There are 54 bars in this town and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them.
Santa: Which one is that?
Santa: Would you like me to help you with your homework.
Pappu: No thanks, I can get it wrong by myself.
Preeto: I have just come back from the beauty parlour.
Jeeto: Pity it was closed.
Banta: What is the difference between a nail and a boxer?
Santa: One gets knocked in the other gets knocked out.
Banta: When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
Santa: When you are a mouse.
Santa: Do you know that it is not fall that kills you, it is the sudden stop at the end.
Boy: Did you know that the most intelligent kid in our class is deaf?
Girl: That is unfortunate.
Boy: What did you say?
Pappu: Excuse me, but I don`t think I deserve a mark of 0 for this exam paper.
Teacher: Neither do I, but it is the lowest mark I can give.
Teacher: In this exam, you will be allowed 10 minutes for each question.
Pappu: And how long for each answer?
There was the dentist who went back to medical college to become a gynaecologist, This guy wanted to get into bigger cavities.
Banta: What is the best way to see flying saucers?
Santa: Pinch the waitress.
Jeeto: I want you to explain why I have to wear these same old clothes.
Santa: Bcoz if u don`t, you could scare the dog.
Banta: How do you like her new bikini?
Santa: It reminds me of trying to put 20 kg potatoes in a 10 kg sack.
What a woman wants is what you are out of. She wants more of a thing when it is scarce.
Lady: There is something wrong with the keyhole in my hotel room.
Manager: I will look into it later.
Banta: Ramesh says he would rather kiss his wife than eat.
Santa: I have tasted her cooking, I don`t blame him.
What is the difference between data and information?
362436: Data
36-24-36: Information.
`Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.` This is the only sentence that has all 26 alphabets of English.
Be proud to be a drinker.
Jeeto: I hav read in a newspaper dat widows make d best wives.
Santa: May be! Bt u can`t expect me 2 kill myself dat u can b good wife 2 sum1 else.
A widow wrote on the tombstone of her husband.
Rest in peace-till we meet again.
Banta: Did Ramesh furnish his whole house with second-hand stuff?
Santa: Yes, he even married a widow.
One: I am the fourth husband of my wife.
Two: You are not a husband but a habit.
One: It is sickening the way my wife keeps talking about her ex-husband.
Two: That is nothing. Mine keeps talking about her next husband.
Woman: When my husband left me, he said: he was going to join the army for a little peace.
Jeeto: Dear, don`t u think I have put too much salt in the soup?
Santa: Not at all, darling. There is perhaps not quite enough soup for the salt, that is all.
He: Darling, if you marry me, I will satisfy your smallest wishes.
She: And what about the big wishes.
Jeeto: What intentions Banta has got?
Preeto: Well, he has been keeping me pretty much in the dark.
Santa: What do you mean, u got that black eye from a fire?
Banta: My wife caught me kissing an old flame.
Santa: Marriage is a lot like going to restaurant. U order what u want. And when u see what d other fellow has, u wish u had asked 4 that instead.
The average guy is much more interested in a girl`s geography than her history.
She: What do I owe you for examining my legs, doctor?
Doctor: What do the other doctors usually ask?
She: They usually ask for a date.
Preeto: Have you forgotten that I am a respectable woman?
Banta: Yes! And how long it is going to take to forget it?
Why do Indian women pray to God for the same husband in the next life?
To ensure that all the efforts taken to train him in this life, do not go in vain!
Journalist: Tell me Major, did you ever fall into d hands of d enemy in any of ur engagements?
Major: Oh, yes, but I escaped when I got a divorce.
Solicitor: And why exactly do you want a divorce?
Husband: Well, my wife has decided that we must both be free to do what she decides.
PM finally breaks silence. The only 2G I know is SoniaG and RahulG.
Banta: What was the real reason of your divorce?
Santa: Our marriage.
As promised to Obama, India is giving jobs to Americans...
Pamela Anderson is the first recruitment
Santa: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How?
Santa: You said this is America made radio. But when I put it on, it says All India Radio.
A couple planned to commit suicide together. But once the wife killed herself, he changed his mind as things suddenly looked more positive.
The ultimate and the Rajnikanth award goes to `OSCAR`!
Breaking news:
Rajnikanth was shot today.
Tomorrow is the bullet`s funeral.
One of the best msgs that I have received...
Life is beautiful
Terms & Conditions of wife apply.
Inspector: It says that the man was shot by his wife at close range.
Expert: Then there must have been powder marks on the body.
Inspector: That is why she shot him.
Son: How do they catch the lunatics daddy?
Father: With face powder, lipstick and skimpy clothes.
Banta: How much of ur salary do u take home 2 ur wife on pay day?
Santa: None.
Banta: How`s dat?
Santa: She meets me outside d office & takes it herself.
Doc to Jeeto: Any history of insanity in the family?
Jeeto: Yes, my husband thinks he is the boss.
He: Does your father object to kissing?
She: You yourself can find out after kissing him.
Santa: I had a fine dream last night. I dreamed I was touring the world in a fine car.
Jeeto: Yes, I heard the engine snorting.
Boss: 2day is my wife`s b`day. I want 2 please her when I go home this evening. Can u suggest anything?
Secretary: I suggest u remove that lipstick 4m ur face.
Banta: Do you think a genius ever makes a good husband?
Santa: You should better ask my wife.
Preeto: How do you know for sure that your husband was drunk?
Jeeto: He wanted to kiss me.
Banta: I have worked under the same boss for 20 years.
Santa: That`s nothing. Its my silver wedding anniversary next week.
Banta: What becomes of the average man`s income?
Santa: It goes to the average woman.
Rajnikanth`s dog house has sign on it saying: Beware of Owner.
What do you call a fart of Rajnikanth?
A: Rajnigandha!
Banta: What is the best month 2 get married in?
Santa: Octembruary.
Banta: Don`t be silly, there`s no such month.
Santa: Exactly.
Rajnikanth can even receive a missed call.
Teacher: What is half of 8?
Pappu: 0 if divided horizontally and 3 if done vertically.
Santa: I wonder why it is we can`t save anything?
Jeeto: It is the neighbours dear, they are always doing something we can`t afford.
Intel`s new ad:
Rajnikanth Inside.
Let`s celebrate Diwali cuz its meaning never ends and its spirit keep us warm as we remember friends. Every broken relationship does Diwali mend.
Happy Diwali!
This is to finally announce that I have started accepting Diwali gifts Cash, Cheques, DDS, Bill of Exchange, Travellers Cheques, Promissory Notes and Hundis. Avoid last day rush. Send now!
Happy Diwali!
Faith makes all things possible,
Hope makes all things work,
Love makes all things beautiful,
May u hav all d three,
on d festival of this lights!
Happy Diwali!
Lights & Candles.
Sweetmeats & Candies.
Sparkles
May all these lighten & sweeten ur Diwali!
May ur happiness b as big as Ganeshji`s ears, ur problem b as tiny as His mouse, ur life b as long as His trunk n moments b as sweet as His Laddu.
Happy Diwali!
Paying respects to the gods,
And decorating for them the thali,
This is what the occasion is all about,
Celebrate the spirit of Diwali!
Love me but, leave me not.
Kiss me but, miss me not.
Hit me but, hate me not.
Remember me but forget me not.
Happy Diwali!
With my 1 heart, 2 eyes, 7 litre blood, 206 bones, 4.5 million red cells, 60 trillion D.N.A.`S. All wishing you a very HAPPY DIWALI!
After release of Robot, Rajnikanth gave Times of India 3 stars.
Let this Diwali, the burst of light that it is, light up ur life in every possible way.
Above all, may u know inner light.
Love & light. Happy Diwali!
With gleam of Diyas & the Echo of the Chants May Happiness and Contentment Fill ur life
Wishing u & ur Family very happy and prosperous Diwali!
Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone?
Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.
Preeto: I wonder if I could borrow your rug beater?
Jeeto: I am sorry but he doesn`t get home till 8 o`clock.
Santa: I wonder why it is we can`t save anything?
Jeeto: It is the neighbours dear, they are always doing something we can`t afford.
Preeto: I will kiss you on the chin.
Banta: Can`t you raise your offer?
Preeto: I would rather see Banta hanged.
Jeeto: You marry him and it won't be long before he will hang himself.
He: If you keep looking like that I am going to kiss you.
She: Well hurry up, I can`t hold this expression much longer.
Jeeto was teaching Grammar
Jeeto: 'I am beautiful'. Which tense is this?
Santa: Past tense.
Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn`t tell me where..
Santa: Jeeto darling, just say a few words that will mean heaven.
Jeeto: Go and shoot yourself.
Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.
Santa: I tried your number so many times, it always said `Switched Off`!
Banta: No. It`s my Hello Tune.
Santa: May I come in Sir?
Interviewer: Wait please.
Santa: 80 Kg Sir!
Santa: Doctor! This medicine is not available at any medical store.
Doctor: Oh Sorry, I forgot to write the medicine. That was my signature.
Santa: My wedding was going to happen but...
Banta: But? What`s the problem?
Santa: My wife didn`t know it.
Santa: What is the similarity between a girlfriend and a mobile?
Banta: Both are disconnected when there is no money.
Santa: I failed in every subject except for Algebra.
Banta: How did you keep from failing that?
Santa: No! I didn`t take Algebra.
Lady: So you want to become my son-in-law?
Santa: Not really, but I don`t see any other way 2 marry ur daughter.
Banta: Why are you standing below a tube light with an open mouth?
Santa: Because my doctor advised me `Today`s dinner should be light`.
Santa: What is my exam number?
Teacher: It`s 438625.
Santa: I paid Rs.1000 for exam, please give me a fancy number!!!
Santa: In my dreams, rats play football every night.
Dr: Take this tablet, you will be OK.
Santa: Can I take it tomorrow?
Dr.: Y?
Santa: Tonight is the final match.
Santa & Banta were talking.
Banta: I got married bcoz I was tired of eating out, cleaning house, & doing laundry work.
Santa: I took divorce 4 the same reason!
Santa is driving a jeep in a jungle.
Tourist: How do we escape if lion comes now?
Santa: Give right indicator and turn left.
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes d whole nyt.
He got so irritated dat he drank poison & said: Ha ha! bite me now u devils, now all of u will die.
Teacher: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA combined?
Pappu: BANANA
Teacher: How old is ur father?
Santa: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Santa: He became father only after I was born.
Having a wife is a part of living.
But living with your wife and having a girl friend is called the art of living.
C.A.T. exam best question: Spell d word `COW` in 13 letters.
Topper replies: See o double you.
Banta: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Santa: Magnets have a positive side!
Q: What did the gangster`s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.
A boy came running to the kitchen.
Boy: Dad, there is an ugly monster at the door.
Dad (Looking at his wife): Tell him we have already got one!
Banta: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
Santa: About 45 pounds!!
Doctor: Madam, ur husband needs rest, plz give him these sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give these pills 2 him?
Doctor: These pills are 4 you.
English Teacher: Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?
Johnny: 2 o`watch.
Two fundamentals of cool life.
1. Walk like u r the king.
2. Walk like u don`t care whosoever the king is.
Banta Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Santa: Yes, the Empire State Building can`t jump!
Teacher: How can we get clean water?
Pappu: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Everyone makes mistakes but only ur girlfriends, wife & boss have the gifted talent of finding, remembering and reminding it to you.
Banta: Why are you fasting?
Santa: I am fasting to protest against hunger strikes.
American lifestyle
Daughter: Dad, I got married yesterday. But I forget to inform you.
Dad: It`s Ok Darling, but don`t forget to invite me d next time.
Gandhi`s last words were - `Hey Ram`.
Ponting`s last words would be `Hey Laxman`.
A girl in a book store.
Girl: Do u have book called `Women - The perfect intelligence`?
Sale man: The comic department is on the other side.
Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.
Johnny: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
Santa giving exam while standing at the door.
A man asked: Why are you standing at the door?
Santa: I am giving entrance test.
Maths teacher asks a boy what are 2,4,10,17?
The boy replies they are HBO, ZOOM, SONY and POGO.
New style of proposing.
Boy: Can I take ur photo.
Girl: Why?
Boy: Just wanted to show my children how their mom looked in her younger age.
Jeeto: Why are you studying blood related books?
Santa: Darling, doctor told me that tomorrow is my blood test. So, I want to score good marks.
Boy to Gym coach: I want 2 impress this cute girl, which machine should I use?
Coach: Use the ATM machine outside the gym.
Santa: Oh! I went to theatre tomorrow. One man cut other man. Banta: In which theatre?
Santa: Operation theatre.
Banta: Where do you find mangoes?
Santa: Where woman goes.
Friend: What does Santa say when you blow in his ear?
Banta: He says, `Thank you for the refill.`
Child: Mom, I want to have an apple.
Mom: But you had ur lunch just now.
Child: I have broken the window glass of the Doctor so I want to keep him away.
A baby mosquito came back after its 1st flight.
Dad: How did u feel?
Baby Mosquito: Dad it was wonderful, evry1 was clapping 4 me.
Banta: Why you kept the door open while taking a bath?
Santa: I am scared.
Banta: Why?
Santa: Bcoz someone might peek through d key-hole.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that`s okay. The soup isn`t hot.
An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.
Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls.
Seeing that Santa shouted, `what a shot!`
Banta 2 his bride: Preeto, now we r married, do u think u will b able 2 live on my small income?
Preeto: Of course, no problem, but what will u live on?
No comments